It has been some time since I last posted, and I cannot even come up with a good reason. I could say I have been busy, but busy is SUCH an overused word. I have found other things to occupy my time, so I have not made the time to sit still long enough to post. Just as I have not made the time this past year to continue in my yearly tradition of the birthday letters for the boys. Is it laziness? No…it’s life going all over the place and me trying to wrap my head around what I want to do. I have spread myself unbelievably thin this past year, which may account for why what probably could have been a week or two illness lasted for six weeks. I haven’t been sleeping well, and I have been working like crazy. Why you wonder? Two reasons, and I have to be honest with myself, and I know some of my friends can relate. The first is, well, yes, my big guy did get his teaching license in February, but it was SLOW going to get a job (and it still isn’t full time), and he hadn’t worked since August, so I was trying to make up for some lost pay. The second reason, which I think is the main reason, but I was too stubborn to realize it, is that I was trying to live life so fast to not feel. Okay, that sounds weird. My friend, Mandy gets it. Ever since my mom died I feel like I have been on autopilot, planning every single minute of my life with something so I didn’t have a moment to just be, maybe for fear of breaking down, or maybe because I didn’t know what to do if I had a moment to just be. About a month ago, I finally realized it, and admitted it to Mandy, who I know is going through a similar situation now. I hope she reads this, knows I am thinking of her, and will take me up on the offer to run, work out, or grab tea once she moves closer to me, so she doesn’t become like me. It is SO incredibly hard to break this routine, but I HAVE to break it for my own sanity.
So, past journeys need to stay in the past, but always remain memories for me to look back on, cherish, laugh, and even cry about at times. Present journeys need some modifications. Lately, I feel like the QUEEN of modification, well at least at the gym. I was thinking today as I took my God awful smelling Crossfit shoes and bag out of my car, holy crap, my 4 year crossfit-aversary was yesterday, and I have NEVER washed these shoes. That is SO gross. No wonder why Rey said my car smelled like stinky feet! Ooops! I also realized that my journey has changed so much and will continue to change, but I will always be glad for making the journey, for the amazing coaches, especially Brit and Rachel, that have pushed me, motivated me, and made me a different, stronger, more confident person than I have ever been in my entire life, and for all of the friends I have made along the way! I may not be where I was a year ago, due to health issues and age, but I am still actively going to crossfit classes, and I have made some pretty awesome friends! I continue to modify my workouts as needed, and may need to in the future, and I have learned to be okay with that. This journey is not about being first, it’s not about being the best, it really is a daily thing for me to just try to be a better person than I was yesterday. It does not always mean physically, but also mentally and socially. I think that crossfit has helped me to interact more with people- I am not completely antisocial anymore, but I also won’t win the award for social butterfly of the year! I guess you could say I am modifying my social life, too! 🙂
So, what else needs modifying? My schedule. Starting in June I will be limiting my tutoring to two full days a week (last summer I did 3 nights a week), which seems like a lot, but I LOVE tutoring and have already committed to several families (for those of you that weren’t aware- I currently tutor 5 to 6 nights a week, and am tutoring 5 students on top of my full time teaching job). The future journey is a bit more of a change for me… I have decided, as I have told Rey, if he gets a full time teaching position, I will be cutting my tutoring down even more, to a few, if any families this next school year, as we have a few other journeys coming up that we are excited to start! I do hope my current families will not be disappointed, but I am realizing my littles will not be little for too much longer, and I need to start enjoying my time with them, for we never know how long we will have with them.
There will be a few more changes in my future journeys that may shock, upset, or disappoint you, but I hope, if you love me, and are my friend or family member, you will understand these things and respect my decisions. I have already begun one of the major journeys, which as painful as it has been to do, it has been a HUGE stress relief for me- I have taken some toxic people out of my life. I don’t want or need drama, so I have had to say goodbye to some people, and can I say it is the most refreshing feeling ever, after the pain of losing them subsides, that is!
So, you’re all probably thinking, gosh, she is being cyptic as heck! None of us knows what the future holds, and while we can plan, it doesn’t mean those plans will always happen. Here’s what I can tell you- we are SUPER excited for Rey to get a full time teaching job this fall, Rey and I will be celebrating our 14th year of marriage in September, and while the journey has been a roller coaster ride, with many ups and downs, we are currently enjoying the ups and hope it stays that way for a long time, the boys are happy, healthy, and growing physically, mentally, and socially stronger every day! I will be embarking on some “health” journeys in the months to come, which will include physical therapy for the ankle I sprained last summer (as it aches SO much in cold weather and after I have jogged or walked a long time), as well as some allergy and more asthma testing to hopefully get my breathing back to normal!! In the meantime, I will of course continue to jog/run with friends (because as two of them said to me, speed doesn’t matter, it’s about the friendship time- and one certainly proves it every single time she runs with me), go to yoga when I can, and do some sort of crossfit/ exercise as my lungs and body will allow me to.
I hope this post leaves you thinking about your journeys- past, present, and future, as well as the people you have allowed to embark on those journeys with you. Some may not be with you, some may be leaving your journeys, and will that feel sad? Yes, yes it will, but be glad you had them on those journeys, for they must have held some purpose in your journeys and you should always be thankful for them and for those purposes! I also hope this post makes you question- are you happy with your life? If you aren’t- stop and think- is this the life you want to live? Is this the life God intended for you to live? If you cannot honestly answer yes to one or both of those questions, start evaluating your past, present, and future journeys, and DO something. The hardest step is the first one, but I can tell you from experience, the steps after will be SO worth it- so don’t take a baby step, take a leap and go do something great, that will leave you smiling and make others wonder!!
**If those that say they love you don’t support your journeys for happiness, they may not be deserving enough to be included on those journeys. As painful as that may be, sometimes we have to let people go, if they cannot support your happiness. I am BEYOND thankful to have a wonderful person to always support me on my crazy journeys, and I am also EXCITED to have stood beside him on his educational journey, because it has paid off for all of us- he IS a much happier person than I have ever known before. Have a wonderful night, and I hope to continue to update you on my future journeys!